Finding the unjustly homeless, and teaching them to write insipid feel-good tech articles.

Part I

Every day driving down Silicon Valley in your chauffered limousine or Uber cab you just might catch a glimpse of a certain species of human known as "the homeless." Some mentally gone, some drunk, some just asking for microtransactions.

However, I like to think that I, and I alone, can see the rare times when there is a homeless person who does not deserve to be homeless. It's that feel you get when you know the pizza guy, the maid, the guy who installs your home theater is in the wrong place - they are smart, Caucasian even. This is my attempt to "disrupt" homelessness.

I pass by a homeless guy who lives by the Electric Light Tower every day on the way to work. He is a fine speciman, perhaps 28 or maybe 50. If someone out there is considering making a movie about my life, I would consider casting Ryan Reynolds with a beard as this man, whom I shall refer to as "The Wayward Disruptor" until I work up the nerve to ask him his name.

Before you think this is some condescending "navel-gazing" charity case, you can just tell when he looks at you that he has sad puppy dog eyes.

Step one. Moxy.

... this morning, I saw step one. The Wayward Disruptor had found doorknobs and was swinging them around in a burlap sack. I am teh s uck at not being a sociopath, but my rumored Apple iWatch-sized heart fluttered a bit. It was Epic, seeing this gentle brute swinging a sack of doorknobs for no apparent reason. No doubt about it: this guy's got moxy.

Step two. Waitingness.

In a few weeks, once I've worked up the nerve to talk to another human being, I am going to get out of the cab and talk to the guy with a pseudo-Biblical Thomas Friedmanesque mindpuzzler. You should know, I am a content aggregator working in what is basically a labor bubble, and shareable linkbait is in high demand.

The idea is simplistic. While being incredibly condescending to The Wayward Disruptor, I will offer him two options:

  1. I will come back tomorrow and give you $1337 in bitcoins.
  2. I will come back tomorrow and give you three writing manuals and a laptop computer. I will then come an hour early from work each day, which I am capable of doing because I live in a vapid bubble of privilege, and teach you how to write insipid feel-good tech articles.

What do you think he will take? Call your bets in the comments. And do you have any other suggestions/gear he would need, other than food and shelter?

Hopefully, this beta test proves successful. I will update you Tech News Rumor Insider readers on what he says after next month.

Step three. Execute.

Of course, if The Wayward Disruptor fails to inspire, sells my laptop for drugs, or otherwise displeases me, I will have no qualms about having him executed.


Percival EcOnolodge