Guess What, Suckers

TJ Stryker
Guess which tech pundit just scored a high-paying gig at Google Ventures. I'll give you a hint: it's me.

That's right: for years you've enjoyed my unique brand of douchey, irreverent tech commentary. Now I'll be controlling the purse strings over at Google's investment capital fund. And boy, is that purse heavy. Have I mentioned how much stinkin' moolah those guys have? It's a lot of money if you didn't know.

I know, I know: it's weird that a self-professed Google hater is going to work for them. After all, I've penned article after article praising Apple and bashing Google. But recently I've had a change of heart, as well as tax brackets. In retrospect, I was too harsh on Google, which is the greatest, most innovative, and most successful startup in the world. The people I'll be working with there are mega-talented and high-caliber supergeniuses who are just brimming with experience. I love Google, I love Google Ventures, and I love the money trucks that are en route to my house.

Don't worry: I'll still be writing columns here at Tech News Rumor Insider, where I'll continue to weigh in on the tech scene. And just to prove there'll be no conflicts of interest, I hereby solemnly swear that I'll show no favoritism towards the startups I invest in, or the tech behemoths that pay me money. Promise. Scout's honor.

Man, who knew this tech journalism thing could be so profitable?