Apple CEO Tim Cook: "I Murdered Steve Jobs"

At a press event earlier today, Apple CEO Tim Cook took the stage and announced that he had murdered the previous CEO, Apple co-founder Steve Jobs.

"For nearly half a decade, I covertly laced Steve's vitamin drinks with carcogenics in a mad quest for power. I do not regret my actions in the slightest," Cook told attendees, who had expected the announcement of a smaller iPad. He then left the stage in silence.